Hi Puzz,
You really have answered yourself. You
know you have to confront,you know you have to
get all this out in the open,and you know you're
afraid to do so. Nothing wrong with that,becaussee,
courage is doing the damn thing anyway,fear or no
fear. And you are right,you are being a hypocrite,
especially to dear self.What strikes me is,all this
macho posturing,not wanting to appear weak etc.
And the ego not wanting to let go of all those in
admiration of your 'strength'--no wonder you can't
study! Don't know exactly where it comes from,but
the phrase, 'and the truth shall set you free' seems
appropriate here.Here is quote from brilliant
psychologist: "To accept the process of struggle as
part of life,to accept ALL of it,even the darkest moments of anguish,is motivation by LOVE, (self-
love) rather than motivation by fear. The wish to
AVOID fear and pain,is NOT the motive that drives
the lives of highly evolved men+women. Rather, it
is the LIFE-FORCE inside them thrusting toward
it's unique form of expression--the actualization of
'personal values'. It is the self honoring the self . . .
by the self." And I would add,the self having deep
compassion for the self. You are just an ordinary
human being with all the faults and failings of the
rest of the human race (including me). Jesus,what
a RELIEF it will be when you admit that . . .to your
self . . .and others . . .and what bloody courage too!
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE