I'm not offended, it just has stuck with me, obsessive thinking, causing a lot of reflection. I am looking into becoming a counselor, which means that I need to deal with my own issues before I can help others. For example, I have called a crisis line before but that's been a few years back. Now, I see it as weakness, and can't call because I am afraid that people will find out and discriminate against me, which has happened before. I don't know what it will be like, I'm scared to admit that I'm having a hard time with all that is going on.

(Trigger warning)

A few weeks back, he told me that others in a group, that the others look up to me because of where I am in comparison to them. During this conversation we were discussing the impact of suicide on the group. They all think that I am doing better to control things than they are. There's a part of me that thinks that he shouldn't have said something like that because it's made me lie to the group. It's almost like I have to be the strong one in the group. which is irrational. I know that, but I've obsessed over this one thing, and it's resulted in me not being able to tell the truth to myself, and to others.

I live in a protective bubble that I created to protect myself from addiction and from sui thinking. Everything that I do is protected, so that no one, including myself, knows how I am.

And with all that going on I'm studying Stress, Coping, Effects of media on suicide clusters, interaction between science and religion. What a weird mix, especially now.