Hello iditp20: I'm sorry to hear of your difficulty. I don't what your diagnosis is, assuming you have one. What you describe sounds a bit like Bipolar. But, I know from personal experience that major depression can also feel very much like this. It's especially difficult, I think, because when one is feeling okay, there's a tendency to look back at the bad days & mourn the loss of that period of time. I know I do this.

Anyway, I just wanted to take a moment & wish you all the best.