I use sex as self harm, because it was used as a tactic to cause harm to me, examples of my exes cheating on me or forcing me to accept and enjoy it.

I don't like relationships, because this issue is the heart of what complicates me having one ever again.

I have the feeling of hurting myself emotionally by fantasizing every girl who wants to talk to me wants to harm me or leave me in a sexual fashion either with me or someone else and is above all intent to degrade me to nothing.

I'm not weak, but it's apart of me being raped as a boy. Reliving that emotional pain is exciting, but I can't trust myself or love myself physically since.

So sex has been either a life saver for my self esteem or the thing I dread the most.

I'm more promiscuous and want to be more daring in what I do sexually and be safe about it, except I'm the one outside the box when everyone is very strict and sexually scared of themselves and stupid and or the other extreme they are not mindful and completely using sex to get their way and if you aren't perfect to them that's your problem.

I wish there is a procedure to take this out of my body the need of wanting it the stimuli of it feeling good, because it's my vice. I seriously stopped dating over a year and avoiding getting close to anyone, because sex is my form of self harm.. "falling in love" to me is another form of harming myself, because I want that person to go crazy for me hate me and treat me like dirt. I want everyone who cares about me to beat me just for the pleasure of pain.

I am very masochistic, and I've even gone far of getting myself very very ill and going to the hospital to get surgery and going in unbearable pain for most people just for the pleasure of people showing they care or the pleasure of the excitement of the pain itself.

I don't really like admitting this, I have fantasies of my ex or a new girl killing me for pleasure or being murdered.

It's because I feel people only want me to hurt me and people only care about using me till I'm all dried up. I've been degraded to a very dark place and I'm really wanting to tell my therapist this. I never really tell anyone this, because it's hard to admit. I hate myself and I want to die, but I actually don't I just like to feel like I do and I like people to hate me and hurt me physically, emotionally, and give me an intense pain, because I'm addicted to the pain literally.

If you don't call that masochism to not a bdsm way, but in a very extreme harmful way I don't know what is.

I think I put that arrogance above^ subconsciously to rub people off the wrong way, because I am really a good person, but people hurting me a lot and making me feel like crap is all I've been feeling so all I want is that. This has been going on all my life internally.

I think it's normal, but I don't know what you think?