Even partners in an intimate relationship should have personal space and some boundaries between each other. It sounds like your wife doesn't believe you should have any. You have twisted yourself in knots trying to appease her, and it's never enough. My guess is that you are never going to placate her by trying to be submissive to her demands. Through that strategy out the window.

You have a lot of insight. You identify her depression as the main barrier to closeness, rather than fear of pregnancy. I'ld bet on you being right. Being submissive to her is absolutely not going to make her feel more secure. Just the opposite. You need to develop a sense of appropriate boundaries and assert them.

A brief course of focused couple's counseling might help you two set some appropriate goals.