(For everyone who has self-hate issues, I strongly recommend turning away to another thread NOW, as this gets a bit heavy with the self-hate stuff!)

My life has completely confused the hell out of me already. I'm at the point where I don't know what to think anymore.

OK, so up until now, for about the past two years, I have been suffering with severe depression, initiated by a love confession to a girl gone wrong basically. OK, silly me, I guess. But, that has led to a journey of self-discovery, but ultimately more questions than answers and some pretty awful truths about myself. So, the end result? Severe depression, naturally. After my botched attempt at trying to "win" the love of my life (or what I thought was the love of my life at least) in 2012 by confessing my love to her, I realized I was personally, mentally and emotionally in a lot worse shape than I imagined. I soon saw that I had serious issues. One of them is physical - I'm somewhat overweight. However, the more I dug, the more I realized there is a can of worms to open around every "corner" in my life. Stuff I never even thought about up until that point. The bottom line was - I had issues with my dad all along (from childhood), I had social inhibitions, I was unattractive to women on multiple levels (learnt via self-study information on the web - love "guru" and dating "guru" sites), I was not reaching my full potential as a person (according to my IQ), I realized I was emotionally and mentally bullied at school all along (didn't even know it), and I am generally hated by my peers and colleagues, despite friendly outward appearances on both my and their part.

OK, so now I was totally depressed, I mean, my life was a total disaster. All this stuff was wrong with me. At the same time, and to this day, I am longing for my loved one too, who hasn't spoken to me in nearly two years. I am depressed about the lethargic, fat state I'm in physically, and I'm pretty pissed about how everything had been going wrong for the last two years.

But, just to backtrack a few months, at the end of last year, I started seeing a therapist, who said that she agrees that my life is not going well and the loneliness and isolation is getting to me and it is affecting me negatively. She agreed - I have severe depression. At the start of this year, I went to another therapist - a man. He analyzes me and says I have Asperger's syndrome. OK, so I research it and what do you know, sounds like they wrote the DSM-IV (and autism spec. disorder in DSM-V) by watching me my whole life! Damn eerie, so spot on it hurts! So, I'm happy a little bit because I'm beginning to learn about myself, after 25 years. But, after the euphoria of being "special" I realize, it's nothing to be proud of. I have a list of innate problems ("special qualities") as long as my arm. Back comes the depression. Worse than before. I am a total loser in life, I wasn't just imagining it, here is proof, it's part of my personality! Back comes the severe depression. I realize I will probably never have a normal life.

Now, at the same time, I lost the love of my life, I'm depressed, I'm a young guy, I like girls, so I got into some short-term fun with a few ladies. OK, I won't deny it, it feels great for me and lifts my depression a little. I might be autistic, but I'm still passionate, what can I say? I love girls . But, soon, I get myself caught in some BS and lies. I meet this girl, she seems fine on the outside, but she is nothing but a gold-digger. What happened? I ended up paying her damn rent! I realize it's the story of my life - I get used and abused by people who pretend to care about me. They sense I am lonely and pretend to fill my voids by me filling their purses or what-not. So, I realize I am a fool all my life and I'm depressed more than ever. More and more evidence is stacking up to show me I am a real loser in life, and I probably deserve all the BS coming my way.

BUT, then I started thinking just the other day. What if all of this is happening for a deeper reason? I have autism, and after doing some thinking, I realize maybe I have narcissistic or even psychopathic tendencies too. I mean, it's possible, I struggle with empathy, reading emotions in others, body language, I struggle to see their side of things, and I spend my days alone preferably. So, I sat down and pushed myself to think, to define each and every feeling I feel, and give it a name, my own name, not what others call it (love, happiness, hate, anger, etc.). I sat down and I thought for hours, what is it that really matters in my life, "good" or "bad". I sat and thought, and came up with a shocking answer - very little to nothing .

When I see a girl that looks nice, I get aroused. When I eat junk food, like burgers, chocolate, cola and pizza, I feel great, even sensual. When something or someone screws around in my view or goes against me, I feel angry and disrespected. When it is a human, I leave it, because I am scared of upsetting humans, when it is a thing, I attack it, try to destroy it, and show it the power I have over it since I am a "man" and it is an object. I have even set dead things on fire already just to show it my power and wrath when I am angry.

The sum total of my "feelings" - pleasure and aggression - that's it. You can't even call it emotions, because the variety is so damn primitive. It is true, isn't it? I am a monster . A heartless, compassionless, feelingless monster. A psychopath. Good grief, what can I be capable of if not restrained by rules in modern society? What would I have done already if not for my dear mom and dad who's teaching apparently have reached some part of my brain?

But, then I got thinking. What about all the other emotions I seemingly had up until now, I mean, I did love that girl, didn't I? Huh? Hang on, I did love her, didn't I? No you didn't. But, my love for my work, my passion for science, my love for my parents? Huh? Nope, not real! Not one bit of it!!! But, how do you explain what felt like very real feelings then?

It was all learnt by me and then applied. As an autism sufferer, but with a fairly high IQ (extremely low EQ according to my test result), I am a natural born observer of humans. So I learnt their behaviour, for 25 years already. Then, according to a lovely thing called a psychometric test, I see I am a rare case - yes, I'm an INTJ personality, but I have two peaks, not the normal one - I am a scientist yes, AND an artist. Eighty-five (85) % for the science and 94% for the artist. My evaluator was highly surprised - I am logical/analytical and creative at the same time in the same brain, both high up, not one over the other as expected. What does this all mean? I can observe and analyze the human emotion I see in others, but unlike other autism sufferers who struggle with understanding and reacting upon them (part of empathy), I am then creative and imaginative too and I can mimic empathy for the other person. So I seem totally normal. So, here is this normal-appearing, non-autistic appearing guy who is anything but normal and is autistic. He is a great guy but has no friends. That's because he is a BSer! Underneath the false image, he is a cold-blooded monster, without any feeling whatsoever! I got so good at BSing others, I ended up screwing myself over, and ended up believing that I really did have emotions! What an idiot!

Well, there I had it. Now, what about me being overweight, depressed and losing my special girl that I thought I had loved so much? I say it's great! It was all for a reason . Can you imagine the damage I would have caused to that poor young girl and how much a monster like me would have ruined her entire life? Good grief, can you imagine she had kids with me, some born with autism too? A whole weird family, a son of a ****** for a husband and a poor woman at the centre of it all. Thank goodness it never happened! I'm almost happy for her part. She will meet a great guy one day who REALLY loves her, not me, a no good bastard. She will have normal kids too, not damaged by a ridiculous excuse of a husband/father and no inherent mental issues from birth - great stuff!!!.

So, my being fat my whole life basically (since 8/9) - it is a blessing , not a curse like everyone kept telling me. You see, they don't know the real me. I DO deserve every bad thing that happened to me, it was to protect others from me. I'm sure it was God's way of making sure things didn't go ahead as "I" had planned. He blessed me. I know many of you are sitting in front of your PC now thinking - What the Fzzzck is this guy talking about? Being fat is a blessing? Is he totally insane? You damn right I'm insane. That's my whole problem. I am so screwed up, it is like God had to make a plan to isolate me somehow and not make some girl pregnant one day and not damage people by becoming their friend. OK, my poor parents were innocent pawns, but I mean, I can see what's really going on now. Why was I born? That I still can't figure out, but I'm working on it.

Ask yourself this - do you think someone like me, who is basically a moron, who only really feels primeval aggression and sensual pleasure (sum total of his moronic EQ) deserves a place in society? I'm not even human for goodness sake, I'm sub-human. I belong in the jungle eating bananas and defecating behind a fern. I'm no human-being.

There's no doubt I'm ashamed of who I am and what I am, but I see things more clearly now. I don't know whether I should be depressed anymore. I am actually feeling rather what real humans would call "relieved" I guess. Maybe even happy? Look at what great things were done in my life. If I had been left alone, I would almost certainly be sitting in jail now, with several children I fathered with different women and who knows what other damage I would have caused to myself and others. The monster was tamed and curtailed, and knowing that almost wants to make me smile.

So, I'm really confused now. Obviously I should be extremely depressed when I look at the depraved and deprived life I have lived up until now, but at the same time I feel like I should be happy, because somehow my "problems" saved me much trouble. My problems have kept a monster out of society. People call a fat body a prison. They are right. But, remember, a prison keeps monsters out of society, so it's all good, isn't it?

So, uhmm, what was my question actually, LOL, I don't remember. I guess I answered it, but if I have one it is this - should I pursue a normal life knowing all of this now? Seems pretty pointless.

Also, I have a pretty pointless life really. It is only food and sex that excites/pleases me and other than that I want to shout at stuff and set it on fire. What possible role could an idiot like me have in society? Honestly, I am happy, but if I died right now, I would be just as happy. I'm not suicidal, I'm just saying it wouldn't be a bad thing.