Once again I thank everyone for the comments after thinking about it I do want to be off drugs and stable but I'm well aware that it won't happen. I just wanna be happy and healthy but I can't be either of those things if I'm not following medical advice.

I know I don't have a very much self awareness and can't usually tell when I'm going off the rails be it depression or hyper manic so I wouldn't be able to stop myself if I was falling. So just going to have to keep up chin up and continue with my treatment.