Sorry I should have mentioned that I am aware that you can. They say that you can lose it horse riding, or even playing sports and things. It's just that for me it was another red flag.

I think my problem is that I am seeking reassurance and certainty which cannot be found. I want to be certain that exploring this, or not exploring this is the right thing. I want to be certain that it did, or did not happen. These things are unanswerable really. Perhaps my emotional problems are the result of being bullied. Perhaps my problems with intimacy are the result of my poor body image due to being bullied. Maybe my nightmares and my need for control are all the result of that. Maybe nothing happened and this is all just ocd masquerading in a different outfit. The problem is I cannot be certain and that uncertainty makes me feel so uncomfortable that I feel that I need to do something about it. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't. Maybe I should explore it, maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I just need to accept that something i'll just never know and dealing with the present is what matters.

Sorry, I didn't mean to ramble on.