I have had three manic episodes in my life followed by depressive ones. The first was on 2007, I had normal times of functioning between. After the first episode I tried risperidone for a few months but the side effects were horrible weight gain and not feeling normal.

I quit the drug and slowly made it into a normal few years of functioning until I had another relapse. I quit my good job and drove around the country quite aimlessly photographing much of it then living in my car. After the episode subsided I went back to work but was living at home and in a deep depression.

I went on Lamotrigine and I do not know if it helped but I managed to get out of the depression and have some good relationships and find success in my work again. Then this past march I went into another manic episode.

This was far worse in terms of hurting my family and ex girlfriend. I was quite angry and irrationally took things out on them through emails and text messages. It was similar to the other episodes where I spend months aimlessly traveling the country only wanting to be a photographer and prolong it as much as possible.

As the episode was ending I realized Lamotrigine was not good enough. I found a pdoctor who instead prescribed Devalproex. Now I am in the depressed phase and wondering how to get out of it. I haven't seen my local pdoc since getting back. I will on Tuesday.

Now I returned home again and am accepting the consequences of my episode. I am likely going to loose my new vehicle. I may never get another good paying job. I am in the deep depression where I do not want to do anything, see anyone, let alone get out there and try and find a job.