Thank you

My relationship with my husband is at a point where I have to do something or at least try. I am quite understanding of my BPD and at a point where I am so very self aware of what I do and why I do it. My husband has been so understanding and helpful in helping me understand my not so nice behaviours. Right now we are working on how I perceive him, other people and events as either all good or all bad, I am trying to see said person or event for all that it is and accept them for what they are as whole. I am also downloading a book teaching emotional detachment.

My sometimes seeing my husband as the abuser turns me into an abuser that abuses him, I can see that now but it's still so very hard not doing it because as it is happening, I fully believe he is a bad person and my anger and abuse is a way of protecting myself in some sick way.

We have also discussed how he is allowed to have bad days - when he has bad days I start splitting and I also take everything he does personally and also have this urge to make him happy and make it my responsibility (which I used to do with my mum) which ends up in me blaming myself and then taking it out on him.

I am also working on understanding people have their own opinions and are allowed to have their opinion and just because it isn't the same as mine doesn't mean they are attacking me or make me a bad person.

I am also working on splitting..if you ask me, I totally get the concept that ppl are not all good or all bad, but when it comes to ppl, this is what I do and because of it I don't really have any friends anymore and my relationship with my hubby is very volatile.

It all sounds like basic stuff but for me it isn't. I am aware, when pointed out, I can see how I do these things, but I still can't stop doing them because at the time it's the only way I know how to makes sense of things.

I am waiting for therapy through the NHS but I work from home and can afford to go private so I am going to start looking for someone that specialises in BPD and DBT.

Like I said, I am at a point where I am able to see what I do and why I do it, but where I am sometimes stumped is knowing how to do it any different.

Sorry that went on but thank you for asking