sigh.

this is so %#@&#! hard.

i don't want to punish him...
but i do...

i don't want to feel angry...
but i do...

this is so hard.

i thought the mature thing to do here was to keep the anger and disappointment and aloofness in check. to try and keep those in check and get back to whatever it is we were working on before...

but...

one of my friends on another board said something to me. i said if things didn't get better next time i was contemplating quitting. she said when i perceive someone to let me down i go numb for a time. quite a while sometimes. trying to keep things together and move on. then i blow out. get really really really really really really mad. that it takes some time for me to get past that. she said... i needed to give him quite a bit of time and maybe not be so afraid of the anger and stuff. not be so very afraid of moving into the next stage of processing this.

so... seems that i was trying to avoid negative transference and that was the negative transference. all these 'bad feelings' maybe i need to move through them and turning away from them is only prolonguing this whole process.

see him tomorrow. i'll try and reconnect. it will be hard though.

:-(

crappy emotions.