Hey everyone,
it's been a while since I posted, mostly because I've been doing really well. (or so I think/thought?) The last couple of months I worked really hard on myself. For the past two months I've been able to:
- quit harming myself
- quit smoking
- feel very stable
- don't have any attacks
etc. I felt extremely confident and even happy.
Now two weeks ago I saw the guy I'm in love with(?) again, we ended up together in bed as usual and from what I can remember he told me he actually does have feelings for me but is still to worked up about his ex of 2,5 years ago and is too afraid to start a relationship. This thing has been going on for 10 months.
Now, I felt sick of it, and decided to go talk to him about this and straighten things out: make him finally accept the feelings there are between us or go to hell.
So I went up there, feeling strong, feeling confident: really, I've got this!
I truly felt that for the very first time I was strong enough and that I wouldn't let him get away with his ********, and had a talk ready in my head I worked on for over a week.
I couldn't even get to my second sentence.. He reacted as if we had had this talk for many times already: straightening out that he has ZERO feelings for me, that I know this, that we shouldn't see each other anymore cause I can't handle it and that I should learn to be a bit stronger. And that I know just aswel that what we have most definetely doesn't feel like love and that it's completely obvious for us AND everyone else. It would be a ridiculous idea to even ever consider us being together. Now I got through the talk without losing my face, just simply agreeing with him and pretending that was what I was there to say.
But now I'm sitting here, completely freaked out.
I believed, so strongly, that he has feelings for me to. For me, that was the most obvious thing in the world, and that it was so clear for everyone that we would be perfect together but that the only problem was his fear of commitment. I believed he kept coming back to me, but now he says it's me who keeps coming back.. And now I don't even know what to believe anymore.... I don't even know if I love him anymore. I don't even know what love is?
Cause if he's right, than I haven't gotten better at all. I've just been living in a fake reality I could carry in my head. It means I still don't love, but just obsess..
It makes me wonder what else is fake in my life. I don't even know anymore if I'm actually better or just got really good at filtering reality until it fits me.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
