I'm just going nuts tonight. Saw the lawyer today, have a bunch of phonecalls to make tomorrow to try to work something out...
But my mind is racing again and I've been working with great success with my T to not only help with the anxiety and the mind racing... but a lot of times when my mind is going I am anazlying things... possible outcomes, what I'll do in the event of each, will I look stupid, what do other people do in a situation like this. I have realized that this analyzing really holds me back. Like at the dance club I couldn't dance my first several times there. Now I haven't danced in awhile but I
know I'm a good dancer, so I had confidence there. There are TONS of people on the dancefloor by themselves... it's not all "couples" and lots of people dancing in groups. And so dark there and so crowded that no one would notice me.
And yet... I sit there starting at the dance floor trying to observe people. Those two dancing, did they just meet on the dancefloor or did they come together? One was on the dancefloor alone first, but they could have come together and one was in the bathroom while the other started dancing. So I have to watch and see when if they separate, keep dancing together, or leave the dancefloor together. Then again, maybe they met on the dancefloor and decided to "hook up" there so that's not a reliable indicator. So now I have to start watching people BEFORE they're on the dancefloor, see if I can figure out who came together, which are already friends, who just met there... And then watch people dancing alone... were they with someone and just "wandered off" or maybe they are with someone and just are dancing with their back to them right now so I have to watch. At the edges of the dancefloor sometimes someone dances while their friends are at the bar, just a step away, and they are sort of half on the dance floor and half at the bar with their friends. Can I establish that there are people who are there alone, who come alone, and just dance alone? And then there are people dancing up on the stage and the speaker systems... some of them are clearly there to try to pick someone up. I'm not there for that, although I wouldn't mind meeting people. If I dance alone will people assume I want to be picked up? Will I get in trouble that way?
Now I answer these questions in 30 seconds. CLEARLY there are no "rules" here there are just people having fun... different levels of fun so-to-speak. But I get hung up staring and analyzing.
And then I want to try but I can't get myself started. So I force myself to stop analyzing things. Stop analyzing if I will look like a fool, because I shouldn't care if I look like a fool! Not everyone out there is Fred Astair. So I get up the nerve, but then I can't start because I've been standing there for so long, and I'm afraid that people have been watching me stand there (which is OK, a lot of people just stand around and watch, with friends or alone) but I feel self conscious about standing there for so long and then moving, and people will think I've been standing there trying to work up the courage to start dancing (because I am the center of the world, and everyone there is watching ME and taking notes...) so now that I have the confidence instead of going right out, I leave the area and walk around to the other side of the dance floor so that I can just start dancing without all of that baggage. But of course when I get there the confidence drops again and I am back at square one. Or I start analyzing how people move onto the dance floor to see how they do it. Do they walk on and into the middle of the crowd and then start? Do they already have a "beat" in their step or do they start at the edge and work their way in or does anyone ask someone from on the floor or off to start dancing with them....
And then I think I have finally got myself ready and conquered all the hurdles and am ready to just GO but now there is only a half hour left till closing time so will it look stupid to start now? It would be sad to get on the dance floor just as they turn off the lights but how much time before then is "acceptable"
ARG!
Is it a wonder that the bearings in my brain haven't burned out and seized up by now? But I was able to finally DO IT, I just kept stopping the analyzing, I think I must have looked like someone having several false starts at jumping into a double-dutch rope going at full speed, but I got on, didn't let it bother me that it was only a half hour till closing. Of course once I was on the floor I was FINE. I was even worried about my arthritis but even that wasn't bad I just took it easy.
Of course then the next set of nonsense starts... should I just stay by myself on the dancefloor? Or try to start dancing with someone? Or join with a group of people dancing? All that doesn't matter too much though because I just felt good about getting up there.
So it took a ton of visits to this place to accomplish that but I've done it three or four times now (and managed to get on there with more than a half hour to go
.
Tonight I'm having a problem all over again but I can't get it to stop. I'm thinking about work, about the house, about friends, about calling someone (tried, can't) and it is bothering my sleep again and I want to be able to stop it
While I'm here I might as well say the other thing I do which is pretty funny. Especially with all the characters there, different kinds of dress, different attitudes, some people dancing on the stage provocatively... and I stand there with a voice in my head, it is the voice of the guy who does all those whispered voiceovers on the nature shows on PBS "This is the mating ritual of the male human. Note the upturned shirt collar as a form of confidence to attract another male or female. The male then begins the ritualistic movements of swinging his hips while attempting to make eye contact. In large groups, this social animal organizes itself into groups, performing other ritualistic moves of entanglement, often assigning one member of the group to leave the ritual to go foraging for beer and pretzels for the other members. Sometimes one of them makes an offering to another as a way of displaying interest..."
I do that even when I am on the dancefloor. It is still me thinking too much, but it makes me laugh, sometime I actually start to chuckle, and it makes me feel good and helps me to "loosen up".
On a completely different topic, does anyone here think it is possible to be addicted (in the clinical emotional sense) to helping other people?
I am a mess tonight. I think I am going to make an omelet. It is late but Peter made one on Everybody Loves Raymond tonight and I've been craving one...
------------------------------------
--
http://www.idexter.com