Hi, Purple.

I've been recently diagnosed with mixed episode, rapid cycling bipolar 1 back in March so I'm still trying to piece everything together, so this may not help much, but your life does sound a great deal like mine. Extreme impulsive actions, rapidly changing mood swings, rage. Even wanting to dodge responsibility or having the urge to drop everything and move.

Having this illness, to me, meant losing a job every few years, like clockwork. It meant convincing myself I was polyamorous and having affairs at one point. A few years ago, I also got on a fitness kick, lost 35 lbs, looked gaunt and unhealthy but was obsessed with losinmg "just 3 more". Then came the inevitable crash and I gained it all back, got fired from my job, and laid around the house. I've had bizarre obsessions, like having 5 aquariums in the house, along with ordering expensive fish online. I've been hospitalized 3 times in my life, once for suicidal ideation and pink-slipped twice for out of control delusional, violent rage. Disproportionate anger always seemed to be in the background, too. There were hardly ever any of the textbook "highs", with elation and feeling good. If there were, it was only for a few hours, at the most. When I was feeling productive, I got so overwhelmed with anxiety and irritation that I would just sit for hours with my mind spinning a million times per second.

Lots of burned bridges along the way, relationship-wise. Before I met my current husband, I'd take a lot of personal sexual risks with men I hardly new. Short, turbulent "friendships" with people in general. Some of them may have had the potential to be positive in my life, until I blew up or crashed down into straight depression.

Self-medicating. A problem with binge-drinking, chronic marijuana abuse, and at some points, cocaine. There was no distinctive pattern as to when or why I turned to alcohol and drugs, either. My only guess is I just wanted relief at any time, in any form, throughout my life. I've spent money I didn't have on weed and stayed high from morning until well into the night. I'd go on a booze binge until I passed out, threw up, or both. Many blackouts, and I'm lucky to still be alive

In short, this wretched illness has made my life a complete chaotic mess. If having bipolar disorder is something you're truly concerned about, then I'd say be your own advocate and do a lot of research, if you haven't already. Find somebody you know and trust to help you find clues, or maybe a pattern to your episodes or cycles. Arm yourself with information, and definitely find a pdoc that's willing to listen to what you have to say. When it comes down to it, nobody knows you like you. I'm 42, and I was misdiagnosed for well over 20 years. In the end, it was my husband who helped me figure it out, mostly because we've been together for 10 years and he knows me better then anybody. Hopefully, you have at least one person in your life like that but if you don't, be your own advocate and do what seems right for YOU.

I hope this helps,
~Rust