I'm really down about my looks today. I've always hated how I look, but as I get older I get more depressed about it. I'm 46 and still have bad acne. I can't take antibiotics for it, because it aggravates the ringing in my ears (tinnitus). Besides, I would have to take antibiotics every day of every year. I have hyper-pigmentation (dark blotches) all over my face. I've tried Dermablend makeup which is supposed to cover even tattoos, but it doesn't cover it. I have white scars from acne. I also burn a lot. I can't wear most sunscreens, because I'm allergic to avobenzone and oxybenzone. The only sunscreen that works is an oil-based one with 25% zinc oxide. That makes my face white. Not good for everyday wear. I have to spackle on the makeup to cover up the whiteness of the zinc oxide, and heavy makeup is really yucky. And makeup makes my skin break out and makes the acne worse. I will burn if I use any sunscreens with less than 25% zinc oxide. Titanium dioxide doesn't prevent burning at all.

So, my skin is a regular beige, with dark splotches, white scars all over, and reddish from a sunburn. I live in Florida, so staying out of the sun means staying indoors from 9 AM to 7 PM. I feel so ugly. Now that I'm getting older, my face is starting to sag. That's makes me even more depressed.

My jaw is wide, and my eyes are small, deep-set and hooded. Past boyfriends have complained to me that I'm not feminine enough. I have a great body from the neck down, but from the neck up I don't look feminine. My facial features are more androgynous or masculine rather than feminine. As a kid I was constantly mistaken for a boy because my face didn't look like it belonged to a girl.

I feel gross and unattractive. No one has ever said that I look pretty or beautiful. Not even my parents. It's no wonder I can't get a boyfriend. I've tried dating sites and singles groups and hobbies -- everything. No one wants to date someone whose face is ugly except for men who are 20 years older than me or are obese. Ew. I know, I shouldn't judge people by their weight. I don't for the most part except when it comes to dating. I'm just not attracted to fat the same way many men are not attracted to ugly faces regardless of the person's other qualities.

Sigh.