for my whole life i've been told that, and i just can think in different way... i feel stupid, ugly, like i don't matter, fat even if i'm underweight for whole life... for last 2h i've been in so big period pain that i couldn't even talk, get up from bed, no pain killers at home, now it's bit lighter pain but im still crying and i don't know if i should try go buy pain killers or just wait till pain is over... or maybe it's just that big that i stop feeling it...
i don't have t yet in monday i should be called and get to know when i can see doc and get therapy.. but i wouldn't call anyone even if i would had t already... i grow up with 'your problems doesn't matter' and i feel imposing when i'm asking for help... only once i called psychiatrist when i had very obsessive thoughts at Christmas and i felt so guilty after that... so the only place where i can look for help is internet, i feel like when i'm trying help others i 'can' ask for help too, you know something for something, nothing for free...
suicidal feelings are mostly like panic attacks for me, comes and goes, often are very heavy, but i always thought that i feel like that but i don't want to kill myself, i want to live... but lately when i hear i'm good for nothing everyday, that my brother's gf is almost perfect and has everything i should have, i feel like my life is pointless.....


edit, 2h of great pain, and now it almost disappeared... is this possible?... i have feeling like it's too quick, and maybe i don't remember something, or maybe i'm dead...