Hey Allme,

I want to thank you for posting this. I find it very helpful in hearing - not only for myself - but also to clarify for others; just what it means to be a Borderline.

I can tell you right now that whoever wrote this is coming from a negative place. I also think that whoever wrote this - may have had a failed relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder - and has thus, become bitter and in need of an explanation for something he/she couldn't possibly understand. Rather than pursuing genuine explanations for these things he/she does not understand – they turn towards whatever self-indulgent explanation best fits their conscience – whether that is positive or negative in relation to borderline people or not – it is false and I think anyone with Borderline Personality Disorder would agree that it is false. That being said, I would have to admit that the reason why he/she couldn't possibly understand - is that they themselves, are lacking in the [empathy towards others] department. In which case – I can only hope that this certain someone who wrote what you shared with us – is capable of showing empathy towards others – otherwise they will most certainly feel the effects of, “what goes around comes around,” in time – while under the spell of, “everyone else is to blame for my problems.”

I am personally triggered by what this certain someone has written. Primarily because it is invalidating, [and that is what it is] but also because it is [in my mind] testament to why it is so hard to be understood as a Borderline in our society. In my mind – anyone who thinks such narrow minded judgments - is both weak in character and in insight and wisdom, but also lacks the ability to care for others, thus lacks empathy.

We Borderlines DO NOT lack empathy. If anything – we care too much for others. We have such painful lives and thus (I believe), we are better able to relate to others - on an emotional level. Being that emotions can temporarily override our intellect and rational thought processes – we can safely say that we have poor emotional intelligence, but an abundance of emotions, thus the capacity to feel empathy towards others when they are in an emotional state.

I think this alludes to what Harmacy meant when he/she said: “People with BPD have heightened emotional empathy but sometimes lack cognitive empathy”

I’ll explain more:

When I was experiencing my worst emotional pain (Emotional Dysregulation) – my therapists taught me to utilize a skill. This skill was based on the foundation of CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy): That our thoughts can influence our emotions, that our emotions can influence our behaviors.

(Notice I have underlined the word ‘can.’) This meaning: that we can continue to allow our thoughts to influence our emotions and so on – or we can learn skills in order to prevent emotions from influencing behaviors.

After-all, our emotions DO NOT have to effect our behavior.

Normally, as a Borderline sufferer – my thoughts DO lead to intense emotions - and my intense emotions DO lead to intense behaviors – and it DOES lead into a negative spiral and worsening of symptoms. It is very easy to fall into this cycle and it takes years of therapy, humiliation, practice and insight in order to prevent unfavorable behavior from happening…

In order to prevent these thoughts from negatively influencing my emotions and behaviors – I had to identify the specific thoughts that were triggering – and then remain aware of them when they would arise - and remind myself that they are and can be; irrational and based on deeply withheld fears and insecurities surrounding abandonment, invalidation, being alone, etc. (Something we all share)

My therapists taught me to utilize a skill they labeled as, “intellectual override.” This skill is to be utilized when I become insecure, anxious and bombarded with triggering thoughts – so that I can remain aware and allow my intellect to override my emotions – thus, preventing any unnecessary behaviors from happening…

This is NOT easy.

It is extraordinarily hard to tell oneself – that our thoughts are not true. But with practice and continued utilizing of skills such as, “intellectual override,” we can challenge our irrational thoughts and gain some control over them – so that we can prevent further cycles and unhealthy symptoms from arising.

***I must note that I do NOT mean that our thoughts are always irrational. There are times when I have been correct in thinking someone was going to leave me. However, them leaving me was always a result of my fears of them leaving. They only ever left me when I first began thinking they would leave me - as self-fulfilling prophecy.***

I still get these thoughts. They can bombard me to the point where no amount of awareness can possibly stop my emotions or behaviors. But as time goes on – I am better able to remain aware and utilize intellectual override – despite the intensity of my emotions.

To get back to topic: I think Harmacy means: (And please feel free to correct me if I am wrong) that we with Borderline have a tendency to be intensely - emotional creatures. So much so that our emotions can and often do – override our intellectual and logical side of the brain. This is because we are set into fight or flight mode – when we sense our worse fears are coming true. Our body is literally set off – and we feel as though the entire world is falling apart; particularly surrounding our specific triggers.

I suppose it is safe to say that we with Borderline are blessed with the emotional capacity to experience life at its best, thus have rewarding insight and empathy towards others with the ability to make change where we feel it is necessary – but we are equally (and perhaps, more-so) cursed with the occasional lack of self-control and black and white thinking that emotions can and often do entail. What makes us capable of being the best friend or lover in the world, is unfortunately, what can also make us one of the worst - and that is the crux that is borderline. (From my experience)

In saying this, it is VITALLY important (for us borderlines) to remain aware
of our tendency to stir relationships and POTENTIALLY make them more challenging than they normally would be, if we were not Borderline. We cannot possibly lie to ourselves - that relationships are any easier because of our illness. Life is challenging; being lonely and without relationships – but it is, and or can be: equally challenging for us to have relationships. In saying this - we must also allow ourselves benefit of the doubt - and validate our own needs – and not fall into the trap that is: [we are always to blame for everything that goes wrong in our lives and in others]. We deal with enough guilt and shame as it is. We have a tendency to take on the feelings of the world and direct it inwards. Sometimes we direct it outwards – but it is only ever because we feel so strongly.

I know for a fact that I am not to blame for ALL the challenges that arise in the relationships that I form, but I can see how the repetition of failed relationships can convince me into thinking that I am to blame and that no one else does anything wrong – which could further lead to my continued acceptance for abusive people into my life – whom I continue associating with while under the false assumption – that I am lucky to have them around because I am to blame for everything… Lots of ways these troubling interpersonal issues could lead. This in my opinion – highlights the importance of constant awareness and desire to understand ourselves and others.

Perhaps I am speaking out of context here – perhaps I am on the only one who thinks this way – but this has been my experience.

I for one, have had to learn the hard way from a myriad of failed relationships - but they were also some of the best relationships I have ever had. To me, the challenge was worth the pain. I'm sure some of us can relate, perhaps others will disagree. Ultimately – it is not black and white and that is what I am trying to say.

I've had difficulty accepting my faults in the relationships that I make, whether they be friend, family or foe. The most challenging part for me: is despite all of the awareness; things still tend to go wrong in my relationships. I fight so hard for a relationship to go right - that they end up going wrong... Some would argue that this is a self-fulfilling prophecy, that I am the source for all my problems. (I must admit that I have become fond of that theory as it seems to become more valid as time passes by)

In saying that I fight for a relationship to go properly - I not only fight others, I also fight myself. It is a constant battle and most times there is no evidence of it because it is internal and hidden from those I am in a relationship with. In saying this - I, in no way shape or form: see myself as being intentionally manipulative nor unrealistic in my attempts to save relationships. Because that is what it is - desperate attempts to save relationships. It is a genuine desire for a better, more solid relationship - that both parties benefit from. Someone in a relationship cannot possibly blame a borderline for wanting to have a better relationship. However, at times - we do become confused as to what is healthy and what is unhealthy - and that is what can lead to further challenges... Ideally we will find friends who are ready and willing to participate in the understanding and monitoring of our issues – and is non-judgmental in knowing what it entails. Unfortunately, not everyone understands mental illness to begin with – and being that we are borderlines – we are doubly misunderstood.

On the flip-side - I have also felt the need to sabotage relationships as well. This is no different than a recently divorced couple, or a victim to a partners cheating habits or abuse. I know the effect that a healthy relationship can have on me - but I also know the effect that an unhealthy relationship can have on me - and I would be doing myself a major disservice, and invalidating my own needs, wants and desires - if I did not rid of unhealthy relationships in my life.

Look at things on the flip-side: if we were in a relationship with someone and we were unhealthy - and we brought more challenges into a relationship than was worthwhile - why wouldn't our partner leave? (This is not meant to make us feel guilty and I apologize if this is triggering to anyone.)

This is just utilizing intellectual override – pointing out the logical answers as to why someone would want to leave us.

I don't blame the people who have ended a relationship with me. This was a painful realization. I suppose in order for me to come to this understanding - I had to build enough self-esteem within myself - in order to determine what is and what is not: a healthy relationship - and then I had a solid enough foundation with which - I could discover - when and where to set boundaries. This has allowed me to challenge my black and white thinking and I started to see the merit in cost/benefit analysis and the important fact: that pursuing our own needs, wants and desires in a relationship - is NOT indicative of selfish manipulations nor antisocial personality traits.

We are human. We are social creatures who yearn for the close connection that is both normal and deserved. For us borderlines - this is only intensified and prolonged and at times; uncontrollable. Because we borderlines are highly sensitive and emotional people – it would make sense that we constantly seek out relationships that are better and more favorable – otherwise we could be hurt by the slightest thing… It’s a way of providing for ourselves: the need for relationship, as well as the need for a secure relationship. We cannot possibly guilt ourselves into wanting those two things at the same time – as in my mind – both should be one in the same.

Unfortunately, for us Borderlines: (at least from my own experience) it takes a special someone (who's able to see past our negative traits) in order to validate us in ways that are both accurate and fair. In my life - the only people who have ever fulfilled that role - are trained professionals who genuinely care to understand and are willing to take the time to further understand us as the hurt individuals that we are. In saying this – I would never take what someone else has written – as a literal definition of borderline sufferers. Especially if they are not capable of showing empathy towards us.

Sorry for the rant. I hope it was relevant.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz