I am a %#@&#! mess tonight. I wrote this letter to him instead of just journaling. I want to tell him these things tonight. I wasn't sure if I wanted to share this or not, but I figured it would be okay.

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I am writing this because it seems as though I have lost the pieces again. I have to admit that I completely need you right now. The thought of not having a session until Friday is completely overwhelming. It has kicked me in the stomach over and over again tonight.

I remember when we decided that 2x per week would be a good idea. You said it would be beneficial. You said that once my schedule changed, we would work with it. I felt somewhat safe; taken care of. Like maybe in some small way, things would be okay.

Then it occurred to me—here we are back to once per week. And that’s it. With the overwhelming offer to call when I need to. What the %#@&#! did you do to work with it? I don’t like to get hurt. Therefore, I don’t like to move in closer. I hate the fact that I allowed myself to. And I hate you for encouraging it. I %#@&#! hate you for understanding me in a way that no one else ever has. I really do, because it only makes things harder for me. If there were no you, I wouldn’t be upset like this right now. I want to destroy you. As much as I need you, I want to obliterate you. I want to take all the things that are supposed to connect me to you, and get rid of them. I want to rip up the %#@&#! McWilliams book and throw it in your face. I want to throw the medicine down the drain. I want you to leave me the %#@&#! alone. I don’t ever want to need you again.

When I got off the phone with my dad tonight, I imagined what it would be like one day when he is gone; when I would no longer have the opportunity to speak with him ever again. Then I thought what it would be like to no longer have the opportunity to speak with you. I wondered if maybe this Friday you are going to tell me that you are leaving. This terrified me, so I want to get rid of you.

But I know that I cannot physically eliminate you. And I know that I am not emotionally strong enough to walk away. So I feel like I want to destroy things that have elements of you. I found out today that in a small way I had connected. That I was internalizing what you had said about the medication. I know this because I took it properly last night. But I did not take it this afternoon. I don’t think I am ready to be connected. But perhaps I am writing this letter in an attempt to be— but I am not sure because emotions are too intense right now.