I know it isn't normal for a person to feel this way, especially a young woman in her 20s who is going to school, is working, and who is in a relationship with someone who loves and cares about her. In the broad spectrum of things, I should be happy, but I am not. I had a couple of things happen recently that could have triggered these feelings: I lost 2 of my nanny jobs this week. I quit one of them, because I was being abused by one of the children and received no support from the parents, and one job let me go because they no longer needed my services. I feel inadequate because I am not bringing in as much money, and I am stressed about being able to afford things and having to struggle. Another thing that happened recently was that I had to deal with the stress of having to take time off of school to get my laptop repaired (my school is all online). I had to take a whole week off of school and wait for the tech place to repair my computer. After a week and 200 dollars later, I return home with my laptop with high hopes and plans of being productive, and my computer was still broken and having the same symptoms. I went back and got a partial refund (it should have been a full refund) and bought a new laptop. Not even a week after having the new computer, and a couple of days after I got beat up and humiliated by a child and had to choose my sanity and safety over being financially stable, when I am house sitting for a family friend and had brought my laptop over, one of her cats barfed on top of my brand new laptop that I had left on a counter. Now my new computer isn't acting the same way, and it could be damaged. I am a survivor of abuse and abandonment and I don't have the best coping skills, so stress eats me alive. It consumes me. I'll usually react out of anger and be snappy with my boyfriend, cry, get anxious, or get depressed because I feel stuck. These feelings prevent me from getting my school work done, working out, and usually causes me to want to take time off of work, but I haven't done this since June. Today, I woke up not wanting to deal with any of my problems. I woke up feeling fatigued and sad. I crawled back into bed and slept for three more hours. I woke up, forced myself to shower and put some eyeliner on, I forced myself to eat - I was not hungry at all - and I forced myself to do some chores. I have spent most of my day cleaning, and it is not working to make me feel better or make me feel less anxious. Homework is out of the question because of my laptop and because I cannot focus when I have these feelings. I am alone at my apartment with my two kittens, and my boyfriend is at work. Lately, he hasn't been so understanding. He complains that he is around nice happy people all day at his grocery store, and he has to come home to miserable little me. It hurts that he doesn't understand and he is less compassionate. I have been through hell. My mom lost custody of me and my dad didn't want me so I was in foster care for 8 years and had to hide it from all my friends because I was embarrassed. He doesn't even know because I am still ashamed of it. All he knows about is the abuse I endured from my mom and my high school sweetheart who both beat me, and that I was raped by him after I moved hundred of miles away to get away from him and my past to start a new life and he found me. I am a bundle of stress and anxiety. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and OCD/BDD and I possess traits of a person with borderline personality disorder. I am unhappy. I fear that my partner will leave me some day or stop loving me because of my baggage and because of my looks. People consider me to be an attractive woman, but I don't see it. They say that I have a great figure and a gorgeous face, and I am a natural beauty, but I think that they are messing with me. I always try to fix myself. I used to overdye my hair. I would change colors all the time, or cut it all the time to help me feel better about myself. Now my hair is damaged, and I am having trouble growing it out to its long length that it was and that I desire now, so this is really ruining my self confidence. I'll also diet a lot and would exercise a lot- I haven't done this lately due to my fatigue - to get rid of my round cheeks and create a higher cheekbone. I fool around with makeup, but my boyfriend doesn't like me putting powders, blushes and bronzers on my face, so I don't anymore. A few months ago, I would spend hours online looking at ways to fix my appearance and would even look into plastic surgery. If I were to have it my way without having to worry about my partner, I would get a forehead reduction, make my top lip bigger, veneer all my teeth, get a higher cheekbone, make my breasts bigger, get laser surgery to make my eyes blue, and get hair extensions. If I could look like anyone, I'd look like Angelina Jolie. I have high expectations of myself that nobody understands. I feel like my boyfriend and his demand that I not change myself is getting in my way of my happiness. I secretly believe that he is stifling me so I do not improve myself and then leave him... I have a constant fear of my cats dying from a fire because of me going to work and leaving the stove on or my cats running away because I didn't lock the door correctly. All in all, I am just unhappy. I am no longer being abused verbally and physically by people and my career will be starting soon, so why am I at my unhappiest now?