Sorry can't give you advice and even if I could it does not sound as though you're in a place to hear or wish to hear. I feel bad for what your thinking and relate very well. Thoughts come sometimes several times a month. Nothing helps when in that state. I try to tell myself it will pass or give one more day. Each time I give one more day it does pass and sometimes I don't even realize it. If anything can be taken from the words I write, tomorrow will come and can bring good things. If you stay in today and stop tomorrow (you know what I mean). Nothing will come. You be stuck right where you are. Hope this helps.