It's not your fault. Your just trying to figure out what's wrong and if it's more than "just" BP. Even if you have BPD I'd avoid having it put into your file as it's hard to find help once it's there. there is still a huge stigma even with professionals. See if you can get into a DBT or Schema group and see if that helps. I've been avoiding the BPD and SZA dx for years. I hope you feel better soon.