My recent thoughts haven't been suicidal, but rather a "pray that I go to sleep and never wake up" or "if you need to murder me to drive 110 MPH, do it."

I have had brief flirtations with suicidal thought and how I would do it. Not a specific method, but planning it like a day of a prisoner's execution (last meal, final plans, etc.) I haven't hit the point where I need to go to the ER, but I have felt overwhelmed. I can't tell my family that I feel suicidal; I've had 2 previous serious flirtations with truly wanting to end my life, a third would be overwhelming. Telling them the reason why would make them upset, that they would just tell me to get out and meet someone.