Ugh, I'm so confused, stuck in my same cycle, but unable to find answers, and any time I try to ask questions or explain things it either gets jumbled up or that little negative voice comes up and says "why are you even saying this, this is stupid" (or something along those lines). I want to talk, but I feel I can't talk, because if I talk things will get out of control, and people will start to hate me, and eventually never talk to me again. Vicious cycle. I want to talk, I want to speculate, I want answers, but I'm afraid of people leaving or thinking poorly of me, so I don't.

I tried posting in the Borderline forum, but as I've never been diagnosed with anything (primarily going off of a bunch of people saying that I sound or seem borderline, even someone I've known since middle school), I feel like I'd be an outcast and looked down upon, especially since the post would be one of those where the answer would be "go seek a professional" (which I can't, because money is water in my hands, because I get it and then it's gone, spent on unnecessary things). I already feel a bit like a social outcast here, done and said some things (maybe I'm the only one beating myself up about that).

I want to talk, but I can't I'm so confused.