When I was 15 my dad came in my room holding my birth control pills. He asked me if I was a slut. To me this rocked my world. I wasnt allowed to swear and I felt like I was being accused of being some dirty filthy thing. I actually loved my dad but hated my mum. It was much later in life that I realised I was a slut. Like a self fulfilling prophecy. I even had sex with a married man inside a church.I was trying to prove to myself that I would do everything except kill a chinaman. I tried to see if I was a lesbian too but when that was on offer I creeped out severely. I am amazed I didnt get aids. I used to show off at work that I couldnt walk properly because of all the sex I had. Later when I was living with a man my dad unexpectedly saw me on a bus and he asked me....He hasn't spoiled you for others has he? I was freaked out again...asking myself what does he mean? Does he think Im a virgin and he s asking if Ive had sex with the man Im living with?? what is with him??
But when I left the man I realised what my dad meant. My emotions were spoiled. I compared everyone I met with the guy. For a while I compared my husband with him. welll anyway these are just ponderings. Sometimes I dont understand myself. I would feel very sad and sorry for anyone with that history. So why dont I feel sad and sorry for myself.????