My friend just messaged me about a student in my grade who committed suicide. She did not elaborate and has not replied yet, but instead of feeling bad for that student I only felt envious. Shouldn't I be glad that despite my 2 (failed, obviously) attempts, I'm still here? Why am I actually jealous of something so horrible and wishing to God it was me?

I guess I'm upset over my inability to even kill myself properly. What on earth could be wrong with me? I feel like such a sick, twisted, evil person...