Hi ombretwilight, no you're not at all a sick, twisted, evil person
Just because you failed in your attempts, just because you're now alive now..........doesn't just make the depression/the feelings go away. It can take more than that, a whole lot more than that.
And you know how ridiculous it is to tell someone with depression "you should be happy (or whatever!!) you're alive", don't you??
And for you maybe you're not seeing what happened as horrible in relation to her/him when you're feeling jealous, you're probably seeing it more as an "escape" (???) for you.
So...........are you getting any help with what you're going through?? Is there anyone you can talk (more??) to about how you're feeling/what's going on for you??
Because there can be so much more than the way you're feeling now with the right help/support, even if it's hard to believe right now.
And of course we're here for you in this too.

Alison