Guess I blew it beyond repair.

I've been dating this girl since barely a week ago. Last night she invited me over to her place. I cooked for her. Then, after dinner, we went to bed. I couldn't get an erection. She told me that we could take a rest, so that we can give it another try later.

That was when I couldn't hold myself together.

I started to feel this knot down in my stomach, climbing up my throat and, finally, I was unable to stay calm. I burst into tears. I couldn't help it. Words began to spurt out like puke. I told her how sick and tired I feel of having these recurring intimacy issues, and how I screwed things up between us for good in only one week, and how I always thought it was too good to be true that she noticed me and the like.

A pathetic full blown display of self-deprecation.

At first, she reacted kind of shocked. She said it was too much to deal with it, having been hanging out for barely one week, and that she doesn't know if she can handle such load. "If we were in a long term relationship, it would be different": those were her words.

Weirdest thing is that, before I could even tell, we were making out again. And in that opportunity I was able to penetrate her, and even make her come, although it was impossible for me myself. Which led to another crying spell about how less of a man I feel and blah blah blah. I even ended up questioning if, at least, I was any good at cooking. Pathetic, yeah.

She hold me until morning came, and told me that she likes me, but now her mind is full of racing thoughts and can't tell what's going to be. Later, this afternoon, she texted me, asking if I was doing any better. I told her that I need to have a talk soon, and she agreed, remarking that she has to figure out what she feels and take some time to think.

Her speech about her own feelings and thoughts it sounds to me like a polite way of preparing me for being dumped. Which it's great, given that she could have kicked me out her appartment after such scene, and she didn't. So, I hold no expectations whatsoever. Instead, I'm getting used to the idea of having established a new record: ruinning an incipient relationship within the lapse of one single week.

I'm not asking for advice on how to make her stay or anything like that. I just need to stop beating myself up, because it feels awful.

I keep regretting not having been able to keep a straight face and to do what she told me: just rest a little and try again later. I showed the worst part of me, and I'm positive there's no way back from that.

In case some of you recall, I was circumcised two months and a half ago. I thought things would be ok. But it seems they don't. (She even kind of admonished me for not telling her about that before, so that was another serious mistake). That added to the anxiety and stress around getting laid with her. It was the very first time since, well, since we met.

There was another thing, too, I guess. After dinner (and before "having "sex""), we discussed about where were each other at that point. I mean... She told me she was afraid that I got confused, according the way we talked during the week. I must admit I'm loving and affectionate towards the person I'm seeing. And it doesn't mean I'm willing to marry them or whatever. But last Wednesday at night, after going out, I took her home and she told me she wanted me to spend the night with her. I told her I wanted to be sure about how things were going between us before we spend a night together, since my previous relationships were a distaster and it took me a long while to move on. I told her I needed to know if she cared about me. From the day after and on, I noticed she was kind of cold on the phone. And the chat we had last night before going to bed confirmed it: she was afraid that I was taking things a little to seriously, and that the fact of having sex could be misleading to me. I guess all that discussion got me nervous and I just didn't know what to do. She told me she cared about me, but maybe I should have stuck to my idea of getting to now her better instead of getting into bed only two days after having said that I was not sure. (Truth be told, I did it in part in order to show her I was over the love/sex dilemma, and in part because I was afraid she could meet someone better).

So... I'm aware I acted like an unstable psycho-maniac with (both) crying scenes, and it's ridiculous to expect any woman to stay around after such display of weakness, desperation and "unconfident-ness". All I want to do is, I insist, stop beating myself up over this, because I can't believe my ability to turn things into ***** before they even bloom. If I can't stop being an imbecile, at least I want to stop feeling like one.

Thank you and sorry for such long post.