the masochism was a result from being raped multiple times as a boy by different people I trusted. Like I don't mean like molested or touched inappropriately, I was forced to have sex with all of them, because I didn't have the knowledge and too naive for my own good as a young boy. No one looked after me, and I couldn't tell my parents, because I was afraid they'll hate me at the time. I was going through hell, to think I want love after being used like a rag like that or think of having a relationship of course not.

I'm not in the realm of popular kink that most people are comfortable with, I seriously like be in the strangest kinks done to me. Most of it emotionally abusive for pleasure. It's like I don't know what love is. I don't have any resources for people in my situation with my sexual issues. I also was supposed to be born a girl, if that has to do anything with it. I have a woman's bone structure hiding in my male muscle structure. I had a female brain, I don't only look at love from what everyone else does when it comes to guys. In honesty, I don't care anymore, because my life will end up as hook ups and sex clubs, because I won't feel safe in anywhere except places I can feel comfortable expressing myself.

It's so weird for me saying this from where I come from, but it's like out of all of my friends' no one would ever be alive as long as I have with the issues I carry all the time. I'm 100% confident other people wouldn't have the courage to be choosing to make themselves happy like I do they'd all be dead, but I don't get mad at them when they never try to listen or understand. I just want to be out of my house, be young free, make more mistakes, except not when it comes to birth control, have sex with more people because I don't care what people would think of me. Not even my friends or family, I have self respect, because I'm tired being forced to hate myself for having the kinks I have with wanting multiple partners, being bi sexual possibly, but I'll never know because of this conservative city I live in where people like me are condemned and shunned.

I have to shut myself out and make lies about my sexual self, and to girls I have sex with or date. I have to, it's never happened where someone actually understands and gives me that relief I can relax without feeling like a freak.

It's because I was raped and used to being used like a tool, maybe I don't like having that happen to me anymore.
I wanted to eventually meet a girl, who is sexually compatible, but is my best friend thick and through. I don't get jealous of stupid crap with sex anymore, because it's made me an angry hateful person when people make drama through sex, because they don't understand their own.

It bugs me, I feel like, I should hide away. I wish I could be an attractive girl, because then I could do what I can't do as a guy. I would be comfortable in my own skin not just how I look or how other people would give the me the attention, but I could use my common sense easier and no more blue balls that are bout to break a vein. Like, I'm not trying to say girls have it easier, I know what my sister goes through with boys, I protect her from mean people, but she is one of the brightest, most stubborn, good head on her shoulders girl and sister a brother could ask for. I would definitely be more like her. I'd be an older sister instead. It's like why I like the idea of it, if I could have sex with two guys as a female. I'd like guys to be rough on me, but as a guy myself now. No I wouldn't have it cross my mind. Instead, I like the fantasy vise versa where like 10 females have me held down to have sex with them all. It's not being sub or dom, I'd be dom, but I like the vulnerability.