I only have one friend I talk to regularly at night. Besides him, I have no other meaningful human interaction on a daily basis. No friends, no family, no girlfriend. No one to talk to. And I crave this all the time.

It's not like I'm purposely isolating myself people. I just don't click with every person I meet when I go to a meetup or event. In the last 12 years, I've only met 2 people I connected with: my friend and the girl I once dated. I still miss her.

And it's not like I don't do things either. I go out to events, I take trips, I have hobbies. I have a lot of fun on my own and I love solo travel. I just have this darkness constantly hanging over me, this loneliness and desire for companionship. I have nothing to look forward to. My one friend means the world to me but it isn't enough. I want a close friend and a girlfriend. And yet I don't because it's painful to lose them, because I wish I could be happy on my own this way, and because I don't want to put all my hopes into the idea that it'll happen when it might not (I can't predict the future and I don't think my sexual orientation helps).

I hate that I feel this way. I feel like I sound dependent or ungrateful. I don't know. Is it too much to ask for? I feel so lonely.