the dream i had last night was when i was 8 and mum left me in his transit van with him over night. i remember the yellow interior, the condensation, the hands all over me, i remember being scared, uncomfortable, something wasn't right, i turned over so he couldnt touch me, he turned me back and made me feel guilty for not wanting him to touch me. i felt i was being bad.
i wanted to cry but couldn't. i got out of the van, freezing cold in thin dress and ran up a hill til mum came. i didn't tell her. she was having an affair with him and i didn't want to ruin her happiness. i kept it from my dad too. all this was in my dream jumbled up and mum was drunk and laughing again. dreams afect me badly, specially this one. i feel sick today. had diazapam already. been nearly all weekend without one.

jinny xoxoxoxoxo