Hi all. I've got this issue. There is a girl I care so much about and I really love her very much. But, we are not on speaking terms because of something I did, but it's not something wrong, and I have, despite it not really being a mistake, asked her for her forgiveness, to which she said it's not necessary because I did no wrong and she wasn't angry with me. But, she still ignores me, and has been ignoring me for almost 2 years now. I just want an opinion on what I should do.

So, for some background, this girl was a classmate of mine at university. This was long before I had found out about all my mental health issues. Spending over a year with her in one class, I really fell in love with her. It was not a love at first sight deal, it was like real love over time, getting to know her and I really cared very much about her and loved her very much. I did, for a long time, wish I could be her boyfriend and she could be my girlfriend, but I just never had the courage to tell her how I felt, because I was sure she wouldn't see me like that. She did show signs of interest for over a year, but I just wasn't sure and I didn't want to screw up our friendship. I mean, she was even dating other guys, and although it really hurt for me to see her with someone else, I didn't say anything because she looked happy. But it was especially during her relationships with them when she would show her signs of interest in me most of all . So, I was rather confused and didn't know if she was being just friendly or what. So, anyway, we ended up graduating and we went our separate ways. It was then that I began to miss her very much. Suddenly, a huge void opened up in my life. I never realized how much I really did love her and loved being near her. I was surprised, I never knew I could feel that even, a love so deep. I am a pretty unemotional guy to say the least, I mean nothing phases me, ever. But, this was crazy, I didn't know what to do. Sometimes I would call her just to hear her voice. I would call her for over an hour and she would talk about such a lot of things and I would just listen. She would tell me about her new job, how happy she was, and I would just listen and it felt so good to hear how happy she was. A year after parting ways, I just couldn't take it anymore, I wrote her a love letter and sent it to her. I confessed that I loved her very much. She was stunned and so shocked that she couldn't even answer me. I know I screwed up, the guilt still eats me alive to this day. I begged for her forgiveness, and she said it was OK, she's not angry with me. That was the last I ever heard from her. I didn't want to call her again, I felt so dirty and like I had done such a dirty thing. I was so ashamed of myself and I didn't want to call her in case she is so disgusted at the sight of my number calling her phone. So, I deleted her number from my phone too, in case the temptation got too much.

It pains not to hear from this girl. I really love her, I just can't help it. She has so many lovable qualities about her.

OK, so I also did a lot of stints with a therapist and in the meantime I discovered all these mental health issues I have and I see everything in a very different light now.

I have made the decision to not ever marry or have children in my life, and instead wish to dedicate my life to scientific causes that can change the world, as being a scientist is the thing I am most good at in my life. My career has gone through a low due to my personal problems, but that's what I still want, I think, I don't know. I am also an artist apparently, that is what the evaluator said. So in the same brain I am logical/analytical and creative, and it is true, I am creative and artistic too. It's rather weird - science is the most bland and boring thing, artistically speaking, but I'm good at it. OK, so I'm weird, and hence the decision I made, which I am really fine with actually, as I realize I would be a rather hard person to deal with and live with on a daily basis. So, I said, OK, I'm not going to put a woman through the misery of being involved with me and thus my decision was not to marry. Also, the autism is transferable to your children, so hence my decision not to be a dad either. Also, I know I'll be a rubbish dad, so that's another deciding factor.

The bottom line is, now I seek not a romantic involvement with any girl anymore. But, I really do still care about and love this girl very much. I'm not going to marry her or try to date her and she is probably involved with another guy anyway. But, it feels like I really lost someone so special, for no good reason. I really wish I could talk with her again. I know she is scared of me and doesn't want to speak with me, but how can I convince her that it is really OK, and I pose no threat to her?

I'd really like her in my life again. I still love her and care so much about her and it's so painful not to even know how she is doing in her career and life. It feels like I lost her forever. I didn't know at the time that romantic relationships were out of bounds for me because of my m. h. issues. I only realized later that my love for her is even deeper than that, deeper than dating or marriage even. She is just someone I really care so much about. I lost her because of something so stupid, because I was thinking about love the way the world sees it - all about being in love, and romantics and sex. I was defining it wrong. I feel much deeper for her than "skin deep". I lost a really good friend too. It feels like she's gone and I've lost her forever .