I also have 2 failed tempts behind me. Dunno if this will help you - does help me - I still view death as a release from the torments of life. When someone around me dies, I also feel envious that they get to get away from life, and sad for myself (and sometimes, ok often, angry) that I got left behind again. At this point, I have accepted that my failed attempts mean I am stuck here, for reasons I don't know and can't comprehend (a higher authority intervening?) - and so continue on, I must, and since life sucks so often, suffer, I must, until one day, I am granted release. So I've learned to be happy for those who get to leave, and suffer no more. And each day that I wake up, still alive, I tell myself that surely, I am one day closer to my own release.

I don't think that makes me sick and twisted and evil, so of course, I don't believe YOU are, either. You're just someone like me - someone who has had to suffer too much, for too long. Our time for not-suffering may not be yet, but our time will come. Until then, therapy and meds and support groups help make the journey a little easier.