Today I feel myself hiding, trying hard to push back emotions and not let anyone know. I didn't sleep almost all night after awaking from a terrifying dream. I fear letting anyone close, trying hard to hold it within myself as there are too many other things happening. I don't feel it is anyone's place to care what is going on for myself right now. Life doesn't care that I am not completely in the here and now, and struggling to try to stay in it.

I don't think it is that I care what other's think or expect of me, but that I care enough and think of what others are going through that what I feel is not important and not worthy of time or that there is not time. And to be honest, I don't think I care about me, and I do still hear and feel what those in the past said to me and drilled into my head that still screams within but never comes to the outside.

My PTSD is high today, but I am so afraid to even say that, afraid it will be said it is not that, and afraid that if I allowed anyone close to what is within, I will be sent away or locked up...even behind a locked door on a ward. Our silent screams within never hit the air outside of this body, they never have and even the screams themselves knew they never could so much that even now they only scream within our dreams, within the chaos inside, within where they were always safe and could exist. Existence anywhere else could or would have cost us our life.

And even though we wanted out, often even thoughts of ending ourselves, to be ended any other way terrified us all to the core. Those thoughts are strong, silently, hiding between and among our emotions that are fighting hard to hide themselves from the world around us----and we will fight with all we have----to keep them hid. But those very thoughts themselves contradict our fear of death itself. For not only myself but many within are terrified of dying and all that comes with it. And we know that in death feelings and thoughts can't and don't exist any more, but today is not a day to tell us that or to try to get us to get it or understand.

But at times like now, that fighting conflict struggles because at 5 years of age, our knowledge was only based on what we had already went through and what we were facing and fighting right then. Death terrified us but was a very real thing staring at us right in the face. But I fear to say any more than that. I cannot even get that back to me for it is only us that comes and only us that got and can get us through.

Today, those very things are hitting hard and very vividly and I am struggling to stay adult. At times the world seems to be too big, and I am so tiny that even these keys are hard to push as they seems to be huge to these fingers trying hard to type. Then within seconds everything gets so tiny, and I feel huge, and I am struggling not to hit several keys at the same time as my hands seem to cover so many at one time. I know I am dissociated and depersonalizing, I cannot help it, not right now. I feel afraid.

So the thoughts today are screaming will I ever be good enough. I fear I am failing everyone, and that everyone will be mad or upset with me because of where I am. And I am afraid to reach out except in the silence of these words, risking no one will understand or care, and feeling unsafe and afraid to even know the truth to what anyone else feels towards me and those within. Today is a fight, not to run, not to disappear, to hold onto hope that someone is there or even dares to care.

No disrespect intended, just fear. Fear everywhere, growing bigger than even these words. Wanting to be heard, struggling not to hide from these words, yet knowing these words are the only way to let anyone know where we are. And then knowing that even though these words are seen or heard, that mask of we're okay and fine will put forth every effort to keep everyone at bay and to function as if nothing was going on.

So see, it is our own fault. We cause the not being good enough. We cause no one being there. We cause no one knowing that we are not okay and are afraid. We cause everyone to walk away throwing up their hands as how to help us or what to do or what we need. We learned that well if we learned nothing else. We felt so much but learned to turn it off and not let anyone near. We learned that scream was to become silent, so silent that even now it is terrified to be heard or even known how close it really is.

We learned so well and believed that we were not good enough to be cared about, helped, worthy, or close to. That no matter how many words we write, no matter how hard we try to reach out or tell someone, we are going to pull away and sabotage any help or care that possibly could or would reach back to us.......and that makes us fail no matter how loud we scream it through words, we are alone in it all. No matter how well we write, no matter how close we get to revealing what holds us back, it will be blocked, by somewhere and something within ourselves that has never learned to get beyond the tears and fear that we write about.

They did a job on us, a job we ourselves are afraid of, damage that we will never be good enough....no matter how hard we try. IT'S OUR FAULT....IT'S OUR FAULT....IT'S OUR FAULT......HOW MUCH MORE HONEST CAN WE BE....IT'S ALL OUR FAULT.....WE GET IT....WE....GET....IT......

And I am so afraid I am losing everyone here and everyone in real life and begging everyone not to turn away, walk away, or leave us....but how I can ask anyone to do anything else but that.........and I cry because I feel trapped within my own words, something I hear screaming within and coming out here, and feel I am asking something unfair and impossible, because I am impossible and ruined to the very core of all, of me......................

And I am scared that I push/pushed everyone away forever..............and I didn't mean to or even try, it is just happening.....my own words and cries for help are damaging me further.........always have and always will..........no one is to ever get close.......and they did this through my own words and efforts....they did this...........through myself..................