Hi Bamboo RedPanda, if you've lost a bunch of people close to you then it's understandable that you might have some abandonment issues............
And maybe a bit of you pushing people away (or not being able to talk with them??) is about you trying to protect yourself........???
I mean if you're expecting them to be turning their backs on you anyway............
But you know it really is great that you're seeing that you have those problems
It shows a lot of insight, instead of making it about everyone else, you're seeing some of the things you need to work on or need help with So respect, "just" recognizing those things can be the key to start the journey in moving on.
And yes, good people can end up moving on/away at times through no fault of their own, through no fault of anyone's.........but you know it's got to be worth really making the time they're around count, and in treasuring them, and what they left you if they go away, right??
And as people leave there will be other good people to step in there in time.........not to replace those gone but to add to what they left you.
And for anyone who turns their back on you, well you know perhaps see it as "things were good, but they just weren't meant to work out"???
Then again, of course they may not actually be turning their back sometimes...........could be that they have issues of their own and are just not able to be there at that time...........
But then I'm thinking I'm reading the recognition that it might not be "your fault" in your very insightful post!!!

Alison