See, I think that is it. I felt like my diagnosis, partial program, the whole ball of wax somehow was a judgment against me, against my character, and that I was "on parole" for the rest of my life, but instead of seeing a court officer I was "sentenced" to see a pdoc or a T or trips to the pharmacy or whatever "for life". I felt very much "less than equal" - back to that "I'm the scum of the earth" feeling.

And frankly, it felt like EVERYONE in the world knew, everyone was staring at me. Like I was in an orange jumpsuit that said "Prisoner" or maybe "Parole" on the back, and was forced to pick up trash along the roadside or whatever, with everyone going by staring, leering, honking, maybe spitting in my face, all of society "taking me down a peg or two or three".

And of course, I felt like I deserved all of that, for my "crime" of having mental health issues and getting a diagnosis. Because it never felt like medicine, it always felt like an experience in the criminal justice system.

I think this experience kind of illustrates what I mean. Right after the day hospital program, I did something radical to try to help myself, went and joined the gym. And, about 2 weeks into that, after I was just kind of beginning to settle into a routine there, one day, I got there, changed, started my workout, and suddenly felt SO out of place. I felt like everyone there would just be disgusted and shocked if they knew "some mental patient" was among them, working out, using the same locker room, parking in the same parking lot, eating in the same cafe. I felt that I did not DESERVE to be there, because I was inferior, less than equal, and the scum of the earth, and if they KNEW that, they would feel the same way, and tell me to get out and never come back, under penalty of arrest or something. "Your kind isn't welcome here." It really upset me, I remember crying pretty hard on the way home about that. "Your kind isn't welcome here."

But actually, that was NOT the reality of the situation. I actually fit in there really well, made a lot of friends, felt pretty accepted despite various issues and circumstances and my overall "weirdness".

Well, all of society has felt like that first few weeks at the gym to me - they all know I'm the crazy mental patient, and I've just been waiting for the other shoe to drop, when they denounce me and order me out, "your kind isn't welcome here."

But I know that isn't true - "they" don't have that power or right. I know I AM protected legally against discrimination in various areas, such as employment, housing, etc. Not having ever committed any crime, nor having ever been the subject of any court proceedings, I'm pretty much a "clean slate", other than my sense of shame over the entire diagnosis/hospitalization incident.

So, I think it's up to ME to give MYSELF the license to "resume my place in society" - especially since intellectually I know I never lost it.