Heya , new here. I am bipolar , I don't know what type. I started seeing a pdoc in Feb of this year. Been on geoden, depakot, seroquel and one other I cannot even remember. So far meds feel like they either do nothing to change my cycling or like the depakot I am on now, feels like it has thrown me into a month long depression.The cycling felt better than just plain out right depression. Sometimes the mania was a great relief to the depressive episodes.
Now I am having suicidal thoughts, am just plain emotionally tired of trying. I am losing faith in my pdoc to get me on meds that will help rather than make things worse.
I see a social worker also, I just feel like she does the "head nod" " Tell me how that makes you feel?" crap.
I try to talk to my wife and explain to her just hearing and being shown that I am loved can help me feel so much more like putting out effort. But my wife has some physical problems that she has to deal with and seems to have little patience for me , even though she validates the reality of being bipolar.
I do not want to guilt trip anyone into caring about what I am going through, it just feels like I really do not have anyone in my life that really does care how hard this condition is to cope with.
I have 2 little children and they are 4 year old and 6 year old girls.
I push really hard to make myself smile, get up and be active.Take them to parks, for walks, watch them outside. They just do not deserve a father that is half there. I swear I really try to make things be fun and cute for them, and I think i am fooling them enough right now at this age, and they are getting to do "normal" childhood activities. But what happens when they start to "know".
I am so emotionally weak right now, if some woman were to just "play" me or even really did care, I feel like I would fall prey to this.
I still do the normal household activities the best I can. Some days I just keep the kids fed, off to school, and toys picked up. Other days I can get up and get the rest of the more lengthy work done. Loads of laundry, dishes, cleaning out closets, vacuuming
even the outside yard work.
I'm keeping it done, life I mean. It just feels like just barely.
And feeling so messed up emotionally I don't feel comfortable trying to make friends and I think I forgot how.
My mother cares, and knows of the mental illness that runs on her side of the family. She is just too busy sometimes to be around and just talk.
Sorry for rambling.
Just kind of feel like I am alone and I got myself here. Maybe I am getting what I deserve,reaping what I sow or lying in the bed that I made.
Of all I have to say , I just hope the meds help, so I can be a really good Dad for my precious children.