I look for places to post and cannot figure where I fit in. I have so many, many problems now that I am wondering how I can ever feel hopeful again. I have posted many times about being in the throes of long term benzo withdrawal. It does consume me from morning to night. Undoubtedly I sound like a broken record. It's difficult for me to look at the depression forum.

I feel physically ill most of the time because of what I am going through. I have no tolerance to activity because of being stuck at home most of the time. I am divorced with 2 grown children and 4 grandchildren. I cannot have much of a relationship with any of them anymore for being sick all the time and the social phobia. Since this all started 19 months ago, my limitations kept me from being able to do things with and for my 13 year old granddaughter. Now after so many let downs, she wants nothing to do with me. That breaks my heart so deeply, we used to be very close. Just broken hearted.

My body is starting to really fail because of the drain of the insomnia. I believe it has made my diabetes worse, I have symptoms of heart disease sometimes. I am sick all the time lately so cannot eat anything hardly without being sick, lost of GI issues. This is really causing me a lot of concern. My new doctor is really incompetent I discovered, so here I am sick with no decent doctor. I am on a gluten free diet, so cannot have wheat and dine out like normal people. That is very distressing and expensive. I am too fearful to get out and exercise, fear having a heart attack and being around others that would judge me. Fear is what is ruling my life right now.

The only thing I do is go grocery shopping, visit my dad occasionally and visiting the kids is fraught with issues anymore. I think no one likes me anymore or wants to be around me. Obviously I have no social life. When I go out sometimes I just feel hideous. I cannot afford to get my hair done decently or dress well. I am almost 60, so definitely think there is no hope to meet another mate or make any new friends. I was always a young thinker, so I really do not fit in with people my own age. I used to be called attractive, I dressed nicely and was sort of a social butterfly. Now I don't know who this thing is in the mirror! I hate her!

I speak about my life in past tense. It really does feel over. I have a very low income which makes my quality of life poor. I don't think I could ever go back to my career, it was stolen by my mental illness which was brought to light and exacerbated by long term klonopin use. Basically life holds no promise of anything better. With no resources, money, therapists or doctors to help, how am I going to ever get better?