I'm sorry you are at this point in life. I do think many members here feel or have felt all of what you're going through. I found that when I was fired for mania, removed from all my meds by a quack pdoc, and stopped taking care of myself or leaving the house I had to fight to help myself. For me, medications and doctors alone will never be enough to treat me or improve my quality of life. I know it's not easy, but I had to force myself to find ways I could improve by my own volition. The best thing I ever learned in the hospital was, I don't have to look far to find someone worse off than I am. Obviously, this didn't immediately change my life nor do I remember it all the times I should. I'm apologize if this opinion is offensive. For me though it helped when I stopped living inside my brain which amplified the hopelessness.