Yesterday evening I came home to my place after spending a few days with him. I was very depressed. Feeling like I can't stay with him all the time, but feeling bad when leaving him alone. I told him that I was angry about him giving up some of his home attendant visits and how that created more worry for me. I contacted one of his children about this also. Today, I have felt in despair about his situation and my ability to cope with it.

One of his children is coming in a few days to visit. She'll be flying in from a long distance away. She says she wants us to have an enjoyable visit "doing stuff" like going out to eat. That's all well and good, but I have told her that her dad is pretty limited in the "stuff" he can do. She is a very experienced nurse, and I feel like her main focus should be on evaluating her father's situation and maybe helping figure out what is the best plan at this point. I called her last evening and told her that I am becoming overwhelmed with worry and feel demoralized that almost everything is on my shoulders.

She was on the phone earlier yesterday asking her father where I might like to go eat and what kind of wine I liked. I feel like I have a tough challenge on my hands that I am starting to not meet very well, and I am desperate for someone besides me to be involved. If I get handed some fancy bottle of wine, I think I will want to throw it at someone.

She hasn't seen her father in over 2 years and may not quite grasp how deteriorated he is. If I was mean, I would just stay locked in my own apartment while she is here, so she can see what it is like to take care of him. She plans to be staying in a fancy hotel and meeting up with us for dining out at nice restaurants. I think she needs to spend time with him in his apartment and see how little he can do for himself.

I'm not in need of someone treating me to dinner out. I'm in need of someone getting involved in figuring out what to do with this man. Right now, I'm thinking that I should call the VAMC tomorrow and talk to the home-based primary care department to say that I am overwhelmed and that he has family coming to town. When he was last in the hospital, I agreed to take him home and help him, on the condition that he got some home health care and would not be totally dependent on me. That seems to have fallen apart.

Writing this has helped me a bit. I do think I should call the VA tomorrow. I think they and his daughter and he should get together for some kind of conference. I feel like everyone is getting to evade taking any real responsibility and just leaving everything in my lap.

I kind of think there is really something mentally wrong with me. No one is forcing me to do anything, yet I feel victimized. That doesn't really make sense. I feel like I am mad at everyone concerned in this matter and very depressed. I wish I could just leave town.