yeah I kinda relate. Over the years I just had recurrent depression and some hints of hypomania but since a couple of years ago I noticed maybe one hypomanic episode in a year and little subthreshold hypomanias while also having my usual 2 to 4 month depressive episode *sigh*

However this year things have gotten a lot worse. I had a 6-7 month long depression (started late last year) that was severe most of the time; first time that it has been that long and severe. There were two hypomanic episodes that I identified that broke through within that depressive episode. I had two normal months then became depressed again. This month I have been cycling between normal, hypo and depressed. This has never happened to me before and while I'm cycling quickly, it's not emotional. It's very alien and outside my control but I am just riding with it and getting help as that's all I can do really.