If you view the whole thing in disease/my fault dichotomy, than what should I be explaining? Zinco, no offense I done it before and got lectured as a stupid person, called ignorant psychopath...

Anything me or anybody else will say will be refuted by some sciencey schmiency links.

I don't know what is going on with you. I don't know what is missing. You must know. So mainstream therapy didn't help. Meds work, you claim.... until they don't. One has to be resourceful. It took me a while to use my IQ to my advatage not to self-sabotage. One thing I know it came from within......... and from random good omens. Look elsewhere than doctors and self-help books aim particulary at mental health. Don't do things with "I am doing this to help myself", just do them.