I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying to adjust my expectations, and I'm really trying not to blow up. However, my offline friends..all of them I've known for a long time..aren't the most supportive folks in the world.
I just don't get it. From the time I was diagnosed, I reached out to them and was very honest about myself. They know. They even knew something was wrong from the start. None of them were surprised and that's ok. They also know what feeling isolated and lonely does to me. And that these past two years in particular have been the roughest of my life. (The "rock bottom" of bipolar or other mental illnesses) I'm struggling so hard to get stabilized and healthy. The med carousel, the introspection, the mood tracking, everything. My so-called friends know all of it.
So, why do they never answer the phone or return my calls? Or hardly ever see them? Yes, I realize that people get busy with their own lives and that it's important to be the one doing the reaching out. But how much reaching out am I supposed to do with no response? My own cousin, who told me herself to call "anytime I needed to" has for the most part disappeared. It's not like I pester these people with neediness. I don't want anybody to just drop whatever it is that they're doing at the time. But a few return calls would be nice. I just don't know.
This post started off angry but ended up hurt. Out of all the obstacles, stressors, and triggers for episodes in my life, isolation is the one that affects me the most. It just boggles my already-messed-up-brain. My first and most familiar reaction is to cuss them out and kick them to the curb, but that's not a good reaction. Another part of my brain wants to send a group text message to all 3 of them explaining how I feel. But then again, they already know. How much more vulnerable to I want to make myself right now? Does this make any sense? Is essentially begging for my friends to maintain contact with me too much for me to risk? All I know is that this hurts.

I'm sorry about the long, rambling post, and thanks for reading.