I read your post and I agree with it. I don't think I have ever called you ignorant, stupid or a psychopath. Actually a huge part of AA philosophy is getting out of yourself and helping others and I agree with it.

Here is my issue in a nutshell without sciency links and debate.

To me it does not matter whether I view it as a disease a characteristic a label as part of my nature as whatever. It does not matter what is at fault, whether I blame genetics, the guy who beat me up in sixth grade, my parents or whatever. I am long since past that in my mind. Of course if there are answers as to why this happens to me I would want to know them. And of course if there are solutions I would want to know them. That is natural. I have tried many things besides doctors and therapists and I don't think I am self sabotaging.

I am just telling you what happens and what I have done. Really I have accepted it as a part of my life that I have to live with and deal with. If it is just me, myself and my depression I can be very content and at peace even at the same time as having suicidal thoughts. Paradoxical but true. I do the best I can when in it and ride it out as long as my immediate needs are met.

That last sentence is key. It is not living with depression and totally focusing on it and obsessing about how to get well that is the problem. It is how it affects my ability to function and how it affects those around me. If it is so severe and debilitating that I cannot get out of the house and go earn money to pay my car insurance and buy food and pay my mortgage than I have a problem. If I happen to be on unemployment cause I just got laid off and I can pay my bills I don't stress. I can just do the best I can and let life unfold. When I cannot meet my immediate needs under my own power and am a burden to others then I have a problem.

So for me the bottom line is how it in very real terms effects my life and my ability to function that causes me problems. Two years ago I was very close to being homeless. If it wasn't for family I would be inspite of having very high skills and the ability to earn lots of money. How do I manage my life given that I have these cycles of severe depression. That is my current dilemma and what I have to figure out.

And I think you are right. In the big picture it just doesn't matter. I have very strong spiritual beliefs and it just doesn't matter. We do the best we can. But I have to live in this world as it exists and meeting my needs under my own power is very important to me. Independence is very ingrained in me and causes huge conflict when I cannot be.