Hello Optimistic Dolphin: Your post sounds so desperate. I do hope, somewhere, you can find the strength to persevere. It certainly is not easy when you feel so completely drained.

Sometimes we just lose our ability to keep fighting. During these times we have to let someone else, or someplace, take the helm for a while, until we're strong enough to chart our own course again. Please reach out, if you can, & see if you can find a friend, a relative, or some type of mental health services provider who can buoy you during this difficult time.

You may not be able to see it at the moment, but you are wanted, useful, & worthy... and your loss will constitute a great tragedy from which those left behind will not recover...