I haven't been a member long and I've not posted much, the forum is a bit overwhelming. But I kinda feel the urge to reach out for some support right now... this post is likely to be triggering, mentioning self harm, suicide, past abuse etc. so please stop reading if you're likely to be triggered.

So in April this year I had a breakdown if you can call it that, I attempted suicide and was therefore admitted to a psychiatric ward. I was given the "choice" between going voluntarily or being detained. I "chose" voluntary. I then stayed for 4 months and whilst in hospital, tried three more times to end things, one of those times leaving me in psychiatric intensive care. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD, although if I didn't have the doctor I do, it would've been a diagnosis of BPD.

I have the most amazing doctor, who is my psychiatrist and also my therapist. This guy is the reason I am still here... only I don't think even he is enough anymore.

I am 27 and have four beautiful children - once upon a time they were my all, the one thing that kept me living and getting up each morning. I am so sad to say that I don't even feel like they are enough to keep me here on planet earth. I feel like they deserve better and that I should just call it quits and let them get on with living without me.

I've got many traumas in my past, the first being that I had the father I did... as a result many more layers of trauma were added over the years. So I'm having trauma focused therapy which when I'm "stable" enough should lead to some brainspotting, a relatively new therapy that my doctor is trained in and gives people amazing "results". My only problem is that I can't find that position of "stability". Every day I am fighting to stay alive, it's as simple as that. I feel like a disappointment to everyone and I'm just sick of feeling like an open wound.

I don't really know what the point was to this post... I have a session tomorrow morning with my therapist and I just need to make sure I make it there. I suspect he's going to suggest hospitalisation again and I'm not sure I can take that, which is why I might not go. But then the part of me that is scared of the increase in suicidal urges knows that I should be in hospital right now

I really made a mess of myself last night self harming and I don't know if I can resist the urge tonight. Oh I don't know, I just want to feel better. Thanks for reading if you got this far!