You are so very welcome (((StillIRise))), I got lucky with that too and it had been a member here that had explained it to me, that made all the difference and actually saved me.

What I learned about PTSD is that different symptoms/flashbacks/emotional flashbacks/ and these really dark thoughts all come in waves and they don't "last", they come in, crest and then receed just like a wave. As you acknowledge them and work on finally resolving them, they fade and get weaker. You "can" heal, it just takes time.

This period you are in now is definitely hard, but as I mentioned, you can get past this part and it is much better with "help". After I learned this from this member the next thing that happened was this member came to me and made a pact to get rid of the weapons and get help. That is when I told my T how bad it was for me too, and it really made a difference in my therapy too. It helped so much to have someone understand it and help me through it. That is finally what began to weaken these strong urges more and more until they finally did not plague me anymore. The key is acknowledging whatever you are experiencing, talking about it and doing your best to "not" feed into it too. As you do that, you will keep gaining on it. It is very important you find support too, a good trauma T and anyone who can be supportive and listen with understanding, there with you acknowleging it and encouraging you as you heal.

It's just finally time for you to get help ((StillIRise)), you have been very challenged, you need help and healing now. It has nothing to do with your worth in anyway, you just need help right now. You are not the only one that experiences this challenge, we all deserve to heal here, however long it takes too.

I know you don't feel that way right now, but, eventually as you keep healing you will understand/see it much clearer.

You are very lucky you have access to the right help.