I am not sure if I was ever really that suicidal so anyone should seriously worry. I wished to die sometimes but was too lazy then to do anything about it. now and then I chanced it but that doesn't count. some time in summer I made up an exact method and was making jokes about it with a friend who had no idea. but wasn't actually planning on doing it. so I don't know if that counts- also it involved coincidence to such an extent that I am not sure yet if you could even call it suicide.
but it is funny so I am smiling every time I think of it.
:-)

but I should stop talking here.

well I dislike the idea of taking meds for several complicated reasons but I will certainly consider it if things aren't getting any better soon or my T recommends it.
but I want to see an actual pdoc then and not GP who doesn't know what he's doing. and getting an appointment there may take several months.