Please talk with someone at a crisis line or in person right away. I have been where you are, and sometimes I am there right now. I know what you mean. Your post shows that you are still willing to reach out, to take some tiny step to help yourself.

I know you are in so much pain right now, and my heart goes out to you. Please call someone.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((keb)))))))))))))))))))))))