No, I am sorry if I gave you that impression with my response to you. You don't look weak & idiotic. You do appear to be in pain and as though you're kicking yourself. I can relate to that, personally.

This thread is about you and whatever ideas that I may have to help you feel a little more hopeful towards your place in this world. Unfortunately, I'm not real creative or overcome with ideas to help. Maybe I'd be a millionaire if I were! j/k I do wish that I had lots of helpful ideas though.

Have you ever looked into DBT? While this therapy style was invented with BDP sufferers in mind, DBT has been proven to be rather helpful in a wide variety of mental illnesses. You may want to check it out and see what you think. Going about fixing the problems in a different way may be the right thing for you.

DBT Self Help

Gentle hugs to you!