I watched a movie with my mom, it was a sad movie, but it instantly broke me. Like it put in perspective what I miss the most. Is being a four year old boy back in 1998 with family seeing them all the time. My memories of having the sense these people love me. The fact there were so many people who cared to show up. No one here to judge just to be here. The fact, my early childhood was surrounded by that, then immediately destroyed and disappeared before I turned 18 has been constantly tearing me away.

I can handle change, but this is too much for anyone. And I'm sick of my friends, being so hard on me and my parents who don't listen to me. I feel like the old man being left in a nursing home with all this wisdom and everyone leaving me. I didn't intentionally do that, it happened, I'm not sorry for myself. I'm sorry they don't stop to listen they think life is go here go there, ***** about this and that. I'm so sick of everyone not getting it.

I'm at the point, I knew now the family I loved and missed a lot is been dead for a very long time. My grandma who kept it together died from the abuse she received and alzhiemers in my mind. The fact my grandpa was by her till the last minute. Made me wish that happened to me, and I still wish it did. I wish I could go back where people were actually shocked bad things happened to me and cared. Now, it's like, what am I doing alive?

I feel like my time has been long past due. I was supposed to have a daughter two years ago and that christmas and the mayan end of the world date was her due date. I would still make jokes about it. I wish people really cared who are physically around me, because I know I'm physically dying from my medical situation at 20 years old. I had a coma, it's like a stroke, I wish people would see what is going on. Man, I only wished after I was raped the town who didn't know my pain and that humiliated me surrounded me with love instead of the hatred and shunning I received. They never knew. My friends never knew, and they yell at me calling, a whiny cry baby who needs to get over himself.

My exes did it to me, my parents do it my sister and my family.

I don't know man, all I want now is to be successful just to runaway from this or actually run away now and hope no one tries to find me.

I've dealt with this all my life. And this loneliness for this many years is so much.
I can't do it, I can't help but cry a lot now, when I used to never. I only want to hide it, that's all my energy is put to. Hiding me hurting all the time, it hurts the ****ing most when I See people who are in my situation get the helped they've always wanted. I speak up and I get ignored every time. I feel people really don't care about me.
It's caused me to since I was a boy to hallucinate those people who say they love me, either yelling, screaming, or talking to me how they normally do before like an old record on repeat of things they've told me a lot or said that's hurt me a lot and forcing it to be how much they hate me.

It's like it doesn't matter how much pain, or how good, or anything. It's like no one will give you what you need. So when my therapist says I can only do it for myself. It's complete BS and they know it. They've admitted to my face, my situation is on the more extreme side of living hell. I even had an eating disorder from it, 6 years ago. I was very underweight from this. It bugs me every day that certain people who were noticed or liked a lot by others, got everything when they suffered like me they got what they needed, but me. I was always ignored, I was looked at in shock that no one wanted to help. It shown me in catholic schools and this place and country I lived in. No one was taught what true suffering looks like and why people should care.

I learned at the earliest age and it didn't let it's tight grip on beating my *** again and again till I'm sore all day every day. That people don't love or care, just use you for their own memories not for your time, just mooch and leech your life away till your dead or gone in their mind so they can leech the next person.

My friends tell me people love me, but why don't I feel it. I choose to accept it, and be honest so they understand get off my back I know and understand don't patronize me anymore, but everyone continues to do so. The only person who doesn't is my newest therapist. That I'm seeing in two days.

I just cried in the shower hearing the negative familiar voices, the fears and memories like I'm in a time lapse, seeing myself as my grandmother, unable to move stuck on every machine and no one shows up when I die. Hearing everyone telling me I'll be fine in my head, but I'm living my biggest fear having those memories of what life is now of them saying people love you it will be fine, but they were just memories when I'm old and dying. Hearing my closest friends say that, before I'm already at my own death bed awaiting to be taken away with them after they all might of died from whatever lived their lives with whoever and I'm the same ol me inside, because I'm not immature or a child.
I annoy my mother and talk a lot, because I wasn't noticed by my parents who were always at work 24/7. Throughout many years of my early life, I didn't have a mother, father, sister, or brother. It was me, the fact people get so hard on me acting like they love me so they have to kick my ***. It doesn't feel loving just more pain to add to my abuse.

When my friends, mom, and people give me criticism whether constructive or not. If it's in a negative tone or condescending, I'll end up literally punching myself in the face and self harming telling myself how stupid I am. My mom won't love me enough now, or my friends won't see me happy enough now, or a girl won't think I'm attractive now. If I don't straighten up, it's that forced optimism and indifference I've received from this mental health, crap all my years. Has put me in an inescapable stigma and hole everyone I'm close to boxes me in.

It's why I'm not honest with them, why I'm going through my teenage rebellion phase now, because people want me to be boring and hating myself like I do now, because it's safe I haven't changed. It feels like that whether it maybe the case or not.

I can't describe how much wisdom, I've learned from this pain and the biggest hurt of it all is no one has the time to listen or choose they really make time.

I'm seriously tired, being labeled, "poor pitiful me child".. When I'm telling the truth. My mother always avoid it, my dad does too, my sister, my friends, and family. I know when I kill myself they'd be heartbroken, but still the same people as they were before always confused and asking, "why did he do this? did he know there are other ways?" in their minds they can rationalize things in these types of binary's but they don't know my history, and well, f.... my mom and dad don't know it either.

It's like I don't belong on this planet. I only wanted the love I've sought after for years. I know my mother cares and my dad, they just don't choose to listen or show me what I need from them. They always find reasons to complain, I can't tell you how many times I scream for them to stop and grow up. Then I get yelled at for being disrespectful...

Man do you know what I do, just to be like everyone else now. All I want to do is help people the only things that are holding me back is my parents pushing me and people forcing me what's right and wrong. I do have a say they just choose not to listen like I have no voice and I'm a second class citizen..

The thing is, I'm told to get over it. My rape case is still on file. They tried to force a confession, but they know he was hiding something. He only got a restraining order, but he was free. Man you don't know how much fear I lived with all my life, knowing he could be around the corner to kill everyone, because his father would hit him and his mother would punch his father and him for whatever reason.

Man my life was this ****, what makes you think. No matter how positive I'm trying to be, when people want me to take care of myself. I can do it, don't treat me like I'm stupid, and be there but don't tell me what I can and can't do, because I don't do that to you. Then you shouldn't to me. What's so hard about that?